Depression

The past few days I have been feeling depressed. That word means so many things for so many people.

For me, I wake up wishing I didnt have to help anyone get ready for their next thing. I wish I could reposition my pillow, stick my foot out from under the blanket to feel the cool air, and fall back asleep with my tired thoughts. I wish all my kids could drive themselves to school. I wish I didnt buy that stupid pineapple that was on sale, because now I have to cut it up.

I get up. I make the lunches. I drink the coffee. And I’m tired. My mind is heavy and I’m super irritated. I’m irritated that I usually cut the crust off. Why did I set the bar so high?

I’m short with the littles who werent expecting me to be mad at the pineapple.

I drive everyone to school, but we dont talk in the 3 minute car ride, except for “bye, have a good day, I’ll pick you up after school.”

Now all my kids are gone and I have two options; 1) I could climb back into bed and no one would know the difference. 2) I could read my bible.

I know option one, for me, leads to a dark, self loathing, pity party. Even though I know in my heart I’m going to HATE every second of reading that stupid book. That stupid bible.

I choose that stupid book. I read. I read and the words mean nothing.

I read it because I believe that stupid book.

I read it because I trust in the Lord with all my heart and in all my ways (even in my depressed ways) I acknowledge Him and do not lean on my own understanding.

He is my rock and my salvation.

And sometimes it sucks.

But that’s ok.

I do what I would do if I wasnt depressed.

It’s a battle. To the end.

Today my end is just the end of today. Just get to the end of today.

I praise you God in the valleys.

You are my rock.

 But Christ as a son over his own house; whose house are we, if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm unto the end. Hebrews 3:6